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2002-10-16 You knew Not-A-Finger was a writer, and you knew that she was an experimental cheesemaker of some renown, but did you also know that she is an inventor? Well, she IS (and she is going to drop the third-person now, it's just so clumsy), and my latest invention is sure to bring me fame and fortune in the competitive field of do-it-yourself Catheters. Yes. Catheters. A full bladder woke me early one morning, and I spent a few agonized moments trying to decide if I should get up, de-nudify myself, and walk to the bathroom, or if I should just pee in the bed. At that moment, peeing in the bed seemed like my best option. My urine is pretty fragrant, as far as urine goes, and I knew no one would ever know. But then a still small voice in my heart said to me, "God would know, little Not-A-Finger. God would know. And do you think that Yahweh ever wet His bed because He was too lazy to get up, de-nudify His massive body, and walk to the bathroom? No, Yahweh always uses his bathroom, which isn't even a bathroom, really, just some sort of Port-a-Potty that drains into Hell, where a million lost and tortured souls, some of whom are probably having limbs eaten by their dead pets (who have some spleen to vent, on account of such indignities as being made to wear sweaters and that whole spaying thing) as we speak, turn their faces to the rain and are none the wiser. Not that it would be so terrible if Yahweh ever did wet his bed. In fact, if He ever does that, which He may, because He is very old already and incontinence can't be that far off, we should probably all follow His example and wet our beds whenever we get the chance. But the truth is that He does not wet his bed, so get up, you twelve-teated sow, and go to the bathroom like a normal damn person." Said the still small voice. And I listened. Then a brilliant idea occurred to me, which I will now disclose to you: those are not your only urinary options, Not-A-Finger. No indeed. There is another option, and it is called the Casual Catheter. I don't want to get into specifics, but basically the Casual Catheter is a device involving a cocktail straw and a Baggie that enables you to sleep for many days without once being woken by your full bladder. Sure, the Casual Catheter has its opponents. Its naysayers. Those naysayers naysay such things as, "No way am I going to insert that cocktail straw into my urethra. You're crazy if you think a cocktail straw belongs in a urethra, Not-A-Finger." And do you know what I say to those people? I say, "Fine, you naysaying fuck, pee your bed and then go to Hell, where you will be peed on many, many times for your urinary sins. Or, if you like, get up and walk to the bathroom like the rest of the motherfucking sheep do, metaphorically speaking, the potty-trained sheep that follow Yahweh everywhere, INCLUDING into the bathroom, which is gross and sort of creepy, and don't you think He should be allowed some privacy?" The Casual Catheter. Look for it in stores. Personal Note for Bitchabout: That address doesn't work, which is so lamentable! Please write me at my own address.
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