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2003-06-28 A Reenactment of Not-a-Finger’s Vacation ***** At the Hotel ***** Mom: You’re too thin. Not-a-Finger eats a roasted pig. Mother watches Not-a-Finger for two hours to make sure Not-a-Finger does not go to the bathroom and vomit the pig. Not-a-Finger wets herself several times during this period. Mother: That was nasty, what you just did. Not-a-Finger: What, wetting myself? Mom: No, eating that whole pig. ***** At the Beach ***** Mom: You’re too thin. Not-a-Finger begins eating sand. Mom: Look at that fat woman in the bikini! What an ass! ***** At a Local Restaurant ***** Mom: Oh, small-curd cottage cheese. Not-a-Finger: You’re insane. That’s large-curd cottage cheese. Mom: That is definitely small-curd cottage cheese. Not-a-Finger (fixes Mom with a hawkish look): When’s the last time you saw small-curd cottage cheese? Mom (engages Not-a-Finger in a battle stare): When’s the last time YOU saw LARGE-curd cottage cheese? Not-a-Finger: All over your MOM. A fistfight ensues, interrupted periodically by my sister’s shouts of, “There IS a MEDIUM-sized curd!” Not-a-Finger’s grandmother, apparently undisturbed by my claim that I had once smeared large-curd cottage cheese all over her body, quietly tucks the complimentary loaf of bread into her purse. ***** Fin
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