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2003-07-29 I wasn't aware that anyone ever used an apostrophe to denote the plurality of a noun (piglet's) until a friend of mine showed me a submission he had received at the magazine where he works. Said magazine, by the way, does not accept fiction submissions, not even fiction submissions as elegantly and professionally arranged as this one: she had chosen the conservative Garamond as her font, and the text was bold, italicized, and centered. Without further ado, I present you with an excerpt from "Part Two of the Hot and Bothered Vampire". All material presented here is the property of the author, who shall remain anonymous. Part Two of The Hot and Bothered Vampire Michael and Felicia came back from their Hawain vacation, when they pulled into the driveway Felicia said, Michael darling I recognize those two cars, the purple volks wagon belong’s to my mother and the blue chevy belong’s to Rebba. Felicia jump’s out of their RV and ran into their mansion and said mom and dad what are they doing here? Dad told her that they just got here like ten minute’s ago before you and Michael got home, Felicia said my husband has three brother’s and they are policemen, the both of you will be arrested, if you do the following like stalking drive around here or even attempt to pull up in this driveway, so you both are a pain in the neck’s and butt’s understand these condiction’s that’s you and Rebba come only when Michael and I are here with mom and dad are here, or my brother’s and sister in law’s will get a restraining order on you trouble maker’s, if you both had brain’s you would leave this place right now, and don’t get any idea’s about coming around here ever again, because you will be in handcuff’s and going to jail, Felicia said alright you saw our children, so that’s enough you really don’t need to see our twin’s, when they are born. Michael’s brother’s saw her getting worked up, so they went over to her mother’s and Rebba and told them there’s the door, so move your fat and flabby butt’s out of here you blimp’s, Michael said sweetum’s do you feel up to going downtown to get a restraining order on your mother and Rebba,? She said not right now my tiger ( meeoow) I need to take a short nap ok darling, He said no problem sweetum’s beside’s I think that I will take a lovely naked embraced kissing and loving good time nap too, when they all saw them leave to go upstairs. Michael’s sister said here we go again, ma said what do you mean, she said well it’s like this ma You can either hear them moan and groan and that poor bed sound’s like a bucking bronco at night it seems like that bed is going to take legs and go somewhere. We were eating a snack when we heard Michael and Felicia moaning and groaning , then Felicia said honeykin’s I think they heard us, Michael grinned at her and they heard mom and dad saying you two should be down here because, your family is waiting for our love bird’s to sit at the table to say grace. Felicia came down stairs first boy oh boy was she blushing and we were laughing because Michael came down with only wearing his jocjstrap, Felicia said hey darling look at what your wearing, he ran over to Felicia and sat down beside her, as he reached for the roast beef we all heard a snapping sound which made us all laugh even harder, Felicia was laughing so hard she had tears coming from her eye’s, she started to say grace, but she laughed again Michael said hey this aint funny , they all said okay. We will stop laughing, but can you please go and get the gravy out of the oven, mom and dad said that’s enough teasing we don’t want them to get upset, Felicia said mom and dad this meal is good, Ma said yeah but I know it dose’nt compare to what the two of you were doing upstairs a half hour ago, they were blushing more now than before, our phone rang and Michael picked it up as soon as he could,Felicia said honey who is it, he could’nt really tell her because he felt that she is going through enough stress already, she was crying so Michael went downstairs to talk to his dad. Sic. You will notice that vampires are never mentioned. This is unfortunate, because the author of the story is apparently an expert. In her cover letter, she claims, "I dream that Im that person in the story line" and "I got tip’s from an actor who played a Vampire on Dark Shadows." You will also notice that this is Part Two of the saga, which can only mean that there is a Part One floating around somewhere, and a Part Three yet to be written. There are other mysteries to be addressed. For instance, I have no idea why Michael was wearing a "jocjstrap" while he and Felicia were getting it on. I fear that it would be an impediment to actual boning. Live long and prosper, anonymous author. I hope you become so damn famous.
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