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2003-08-01 There are no jobs. Happily, this doesn’t affect me, because I am one of those farms that the government pays not to grow crops. The Professor, on the other hand, an eminently qualified individual with a fine azz, applied for something like thirty jobs and only landed two interviews. We were driving to his first interview the other day and he stopped to pick up my anniversary present. (It was our one-year-five-month anniversary. Yes, the Professor still celebrates the Monthly Anniversary, because he is what I like to call a Tween Girl.) Anyway, he ran into the store to fetch my gift and, to his horror, discovered that someone had already bought it. “Why didn’t you buy it when you first saw it?” I asked, because I had been cheated out of a present. “You were with me. You would have seen it.” “I want a divorce!” “We’re not married yet.” “Then…then I’m going to swallow my engagement ring.” “It’ll cut up your gut!” He sank to his knees. “Oh, my God, I’m not going to get the job now.” “What? Of course you will. You’re an eminently qualified individual with a fine azz.” “No, I’ll give a horrible interview, and I won’t get the job.” “You’ll give a great interview.” “I’ll say something stupid.” “Professor! Cheer up! I…I’ll show you a boob!” And the Professor, seized by an existential agony the likes of which I have never seen, cried out, “If I show you a boob, then I don’t even know where a boob is!” This pleased us both enormously, and we decided to break the statement down into symbolic logic. It was a complicated sentiment, and the best we could come up with was B>~B. That translates roughly into, If Boob, then not Boob. Feel free to make this your personal motto. Anyway, the matter of the gift was forgotten. He trotted off in a confident mood and managed to say only one stupid thing during the course of the interview, but it was exceptionally stupid. The woman interrogating him had a framed picture of a child on her desk. He asked, “Why do you have one of your baby pictures on your desk?” She stared at him for a long moment and then said, “That’s my daughter.”
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