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2003-08-08 The Professor actually got the job, in spite of the fact that he is some sort of socially retarded man-cub, much like the character Jodie Foster played in the movie “Nell”, that classic comedy of manners. The year was 1994, Jodie was angling for her third Oscar, and she was willing to do anything, short of flinging her scat, to get it. Consequently, moviegoers witnessed Jodie shrieking like a chimp, dashing headlong into glass doors, and dancing many naked, primitive dances. (When she did not win the Oscar, someone did fling scat, but I believe it was Denis Leary, who was trying to promote his upcoming film “Operation Dumbo Drop”.) The plot: a country doctor discovers a wild child in the woods of Appalachia, and instead of boning her for research purposes, as any sensible doctor would do, he embarks upon a study of her unintelligible language. To be fair, he does show her his penis later on in the movie, having come to the logical decision that this is the only way to cure her illogical fear of men. Taking as my example the last lines of Rainer Maria Rilke’s Third Duino Elegy, *** (Murderers are easy to understand. But this: that one can contain death, the whole of death, even before life has begun, can hold it to one’s heart gently, and not refuse to go on living, is inexpressible.) *** I have immortalized Nell’s language in verse. Read and compare. *** “The Other Sister” was easy to understand. But this: won popcorn, eviduhs; ga inja maaakin looooove. Dun cay, missa chickabay. Jay, won. Wonna wonna wonna wonna wonna wonna won! is incomprehensible. *** You heard her. “I want popcorn, evildoers; the guardian angel is making love.” Anyway, the Professor is now employed, for better or for worse. And so I am left to my own devices for eight long hours every day. Having nothing better to do, I have once again applied my energies to the science of invention. My best idea so far has been Sponge Capsule Contraceptives. How do they work? You drop the capsule into a tub of water and watch your contraceptive unfold like a spermicidal mantis. What will it be? A condom bearing an eerie resemblance to those giant foam fingers they sell at sports events? Sexy. Some sort of injection? A mousetrap? Truth be told, you don’t even need a full tub of water. Sponge Capsule Contraceptives require a minimal amount of moisture, making them the obvious choice for bomb shelters and the End Times. In a pinch, just pop the capsule in your mouth and wait for your contraceptive to develop. (I know this works, because I swallowed Magic Sponge Capsules on a regular basis as a child.) Or you could just poke the capsule in her vagina and hope for the best, I guess.
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