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Haley Joel Osment is going through puberty, and it is freaking me out in a serious way. Last time I saw him, he was playing the Baby Jesus in the classic tearjerker Pay It Forward, also known as The Movie That Taught Jay Mohr To Love (A Little Boy, And It Was, Alas, Too Late, For The Little Boy Got Stabbed). For those of you who don't know, this was actually the sequel to As Good As It Gets. I didn't pay very much attention to the actual movie, but here's the gist: Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson are now married and have a young child, but Jack's face is horribly disfigured because once he fell in love, relaxed, and abandoned his obsessive-compulsive rituals, he went and left the gas on. Jack Nicholson refused to participate in the sequel because it sucked like a toothless hooker, so they got Kevin Spacey, who has developed a taste for that sort of thing. Fine film, fine film. Now Haley is starring in a new movie and he's squeaking up and down the scales like a four-year-old Suzuki violinist. Frankly, I hoped that this would never happen. I hoped that Haley's parents, having a bit of foresight, would have arranged for a doctor with a major depth perception problem to perform his circumcision so that Haley might retain that crystalline voice forever. It will not be so.
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