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2003-09-25 This is what you are going to do. You are going to walk into a department store, the fancier the better. You will tell a saleswoman that you are getting married. You will saunter over to the fine china, pick up the most expensive porcelain teacup you can find, and then DEMAND TO BE ALLOWED TO STEP ON IT. Let me explain. The Professor and I registered last weekend with the assistance of a three-foot-tall woman named Stevie. Needless to say, she exuded raw sexual magnetism. When we were picking out china (which I will obviously never use, since it is my habit to eat meals off my naked body), she placed an insanely expensive teacup on the floor and told me to step on it. This was impossible, because I was wearing a pair of elaborately designed shoes that made walking what psychologists call "risk-taking behavior", so Stevie commanded the Professor to do so. Now, the Professor is a tall fellow, about six three, and he weighs a good 180 pounds. That's not so much, but you must understand that the Professor's clumsiness knows no bounds--nay, could in fact be called a superpower. He has, on more than one occasion, broken my hip while brushing past me in the kitchen. It's a winning trait! He protested. Stevie, however, was adamant, in her dulcet-toned Napoleonic way. So gingerly, the Professor stepped on the tiny teacup, and--it didn't break. Apparently, porcelain is so strong that you can't break it even if you try. Well, you have to try very hard. I was immediately possessed by the urge to hurl the teacups at walls, dash them against the floor, to...to BITE them. I plan to keep one in my purse and whip it out at my next barfight. So. You will ask to be allowed to step on the teacup. If the saleswoman says no, do it anyway. If she says yes, demand to be allowed to step on other items, such as electric knives, toasters, anything Waterford, and bed linens.
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