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2006-04-08 My friend Manhole has informed me that the Answers in Genesis Creation(ism) Museum has failed to acquire a one-eyed kitten that singlehandedly disproves the theory of natural selection. Holy shit, Answers in Genesis, you piss me off so bad! Always fucking up! Always wasting chances! What was so important that you had no time to put in a bid for this glorious one-eyed child of God? I look at this guy’s creationism museum and he has 8-foot-long beaver skulls and deformed animal remains! I look at your museum and what do you have? Statues of old people, which, like old people themselves, are hardly worth the energy it would take to graffiti mustaches on them. The man who purchased the kitten is obviously an intellect of the first water, although I must take issue with his statement: “Are there really positive mutations? All I can see are neutral or negative." Tell that to my flying grandmother, and my two-pussied cousin. Tell that to the cat who gave birth to a mouse; tell that to the pig who is able to regenerate his own severed chitterlings! Tell that to the pedophile whose pants are made of children...which is where the metaphor begins to break down, because most people aren’t born wearing pants, unless you want to get all poetic about it and say that “we are born wearing pants made of wax/ and hairlessness” in which case, go straight to hell. Also, while the fact that the kitten had only one eye was remarkable, of deeper interest to me was the revelation that he had no eyelid and no nose. Clearly this kitten was an instrument of God, clearly he was a skin flute against the rosebud lips of Jesus! Does Proverbs not say, “A man who cannot smell the hissing bacon of sin will never hunger for it; a man who cannot close his eyes against the light of God will be cured like ham and enter heaven through the delighted nostrils of the LORD”? I’m pretty sure it does.
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