2006-04-20

What can I say? As my birthday approaches, I like to consider my mortality; more specifically, the many ways in which I could be killed by an animal. The most intriguing possibility so far is Fucked to Death by a Zeedonk, although Groomed Beyond Recognition by a Silverback also possesses a certain charm. However, Shark Driven Mad by Monthly Flowers surpasses these in both sophistication and plausibility, as the following found poem elegantly demonstrates.

Throw Away Those Yum Yum Colored Fins

There’s a wounded
target in the water. PLUG ITTTT!!!!
But won’t the tampon explode
to an uncomfortable size?
No no no no, the vagina
is watertight.

A shark knows
when you’re on your period. So does Santa,
LOL! It smells there’s something yummy;
then you are prone
to shark attack. The bears

will come out of the woods
drawn to dinner, or maybe a mate.
Similar experiments resulted
in tampon feasts by polar bears
lacking attractive buffets.

Certainly menstruating women
are attractive to dogs. Dolphins
know a good thing too. I heard
of people stroking the dolphin
in an attempt to rub their belly
and make contact with the privates.
I heard they are very sexual creatures—
if by sex you mean a penis doing his job.

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