2006-05-04

"Question: what is a woman supposed to do when she feels like fucking somebody’s feet? What is the equivalent of foot-fucking to a woman?"

"Jerking yourself off with an artisan marble is pretty close. Or, inserting your finger repeatedly into a tiny jar of flesh-colored baby food until you reach shuddering, bewildered climax. Wading waist-deep in a swimming pool filled with cold noodles, like that elderly whore in Patch Adams."

"An inordinate number of your sexual fantasies take their cues from Robin Williams movies."

"Have I told you the What Dreams May Come one? Where I wander through the afterlife painting slimy mindscapes with the hog-bristles of my nipples, Cuba Gooding Jr. by my side?"

"I don’t think so."

"How about the one where some flubber finds its way into my panties and Robin Williams is the only person who can make it behave?"

"No."

"How about the one where I have sex with Robin Williams and later find out that he’s a nine year old kid, and continue to have sex with him?"

"Definitely not."

"How about the one where Robin Williams discovers that my vagina is the only shoe that fits him just right?"

"I thought you weren’t going to mention vaginas in this entry, just to prove to yourself that you could do it."

"That was before I knew I would be writing about Robin Williams. When you’re writing about Robin Williams, the phrase 'rested his hairy pads against the fur lining of my kidskin moccasin' is bound to come up sooner or later."

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