Not-a-finger

2006-05-15

In my acclaimed memoir of sexuality, Cut Holes in My Sheet, Erotic Ghost, I included a few essays that fondly recall the early days of my awakening, when all my sexual fantasies centered on A) time travel or B) having sex with young, freaked-out teens while they were turning into werewolves. The first is titled “Come to Me in the Form of a Creepy Whispering Kid” and documents my belief that the time-travel fantasies were inspired by the Christian film Split Infinity, in which a young girl travels back in time, becomes her grandfather’s teenaged sister, and teaches her young lady neighbors how to make a pair of men’s overalls feminine and ravishing by leaving one of the straps undone. The latter element did not intrigue me much, as I preferred to appear in my mind’s eye clad in crude panther skins, but the grandfather scenario offered hours of venereal delight. (WARNING: The reviewer recommends this movie for older children, owing to its use of the words “hussy” and “darn”, and the inclusion of a scene in which two characters discuss male/female equality.) The second is called “I Grow Red Fangs When the Moon Is Full” and describes in detail my youthful desire to seduce a transforming werewolf while dressed as a tantalizing baby left unattended in the backyard of my careless parents. Surely I was not the only preteen to envision such a scenario—not to mention the one where I was abandoned as an infant and raised by a team of Jamaican bobsledders who were determined to win the Iditarod by transforming into powerful ethnic Eurohounds and pulling the sled themselves? A search for “lupus puberty fucking” returned few results of the kind I wanted, but I am determined to keep searching.



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