2006-05-22

I have an appointment with the dentist tomorrow and I am nervous beyond belief. I fear dentists for the same reason that the Professor fears the British: he suspects they all want to spank him. Of course, my suspicions are slightly more grounded—my orthodontist liked to stroke my hair and face. Honestly, though, who could blame him? Very few men can resist the choirboy cut.

The last time I visited the dentist, I was given a form that inquired, among other things, “Do you have any secret problems you wish to discuss in private with your dentist?” After careful consideration, I wrote, “Have been taking ANDRO will this make them sharper like a coon’s? Also genital TEETH.” At the time, I had never heard of vagina dentata. However, a few months later I did a frantic Google search for “Accidentally chew the baby head with my vadge?” and the rest is history.

Vagina Dentata

My lips are fat
with wads of chaw,
lover. Go drilling
in my deep cavity,
put your tiny hook
into my soft-tissue chamber. I need
a pulpectomy so bad.

Let me chew the mindblowing
red tablets you keep
in your dentist pants. What?
You say I have dry socket?
Pour some kraut juice into me.

That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I have rejected the following lines for being off-topic or otherwise inadequate:

"O woof, my little throat/ has kennel cough"

"I am slobbering like a baby/ down there, give me a nasty piece/ of zwieback to eat"

"Stuff me full of quivering/ mercury, I want to hear the aliens freakin’ it/ in their motherships"

Feel free to make suggestions or add lines of your own. Fruitful topics include socket irrigation, saltwater gargling, and nitrous huffing.

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