2006-06-01

My wee sister is graduating from high school today. As a reward, I sent her a pair of earrings, which she will promptly eat or lose, and a handmade card with a picture of a Babyfaced Dino inside. In my own personal mythology, the Babyfaced Dino represents the quest for knowledge and opening your mind to new ideas. For instance, the new idea that a dino could have a squalling, diapered, bright-nippled baby as a face.



The idea that such a dino could exist raises many questions, both banal and intriguing: what does a babyfaced dino eat? What kind of noises does it make? Does it arrange the baby’s arms and fingers in the shape of a flamboyant mustache? Does it wear a bib and call it an ascot? Is it able to eyefuck other dinosaurs? Does the fact that it has a baby for a face make this impossible, or does the fact that its eyes are also the eyes of a bald child enhance its seductive powers? What happens when it sees a large-breasted woman? Does it behave like a baby, and desire to drink from them, or does it behave like a dino, and desire to tear her apart and wear them as a florid hat?

I am certain that she will learn the answers to these questions in college, which I have always regretted not attending. Perhaps I will return someday. Perhaps I will one day leave Florida, which is the only state I have ever been able to consistently identify on a map, and light out for Califansas or Missourio, where I will let a professor tell me that God did not make the mountains, that Asia Squawk Box and the Preakness are not porn, that the world is wide.

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